The Heart of My Mind

While writing my last post, and probably reading it, I seriously asked myself, if I were to be like Jesus I would have to actually see what the Father is doing.  And with my limited comprehension again I gave up and asked God instead (how do you ask God? I don’t know I just ask in my head and wait for an answer)…  And I received this classic answer or rather question: Do you see the wind? Literally no, but actually yes.  The wind has mass and form.  It can be sensed by all the other 4 senses except sight.  Really, do you not see the wind.  Then I realized yes we actually see the wind.  The leaves moving in one direction, that’s not coincidence.  The dust forming a swirl, that’s not chance.  You can tell where the wind is going and where it’s coming from.  You can tell its sudden shift of direction not just by feeling but by sight.  You see the wind not in its true form, but by the things that move with it. 

Yes I believe now that you can truly see God and what He does, like the wind, by the things that move with Him.  Keep an eye out for the things that move around you and within you.  The synchronicity of what may seem coincidental or chance yet obvious and undeniable we often dismiss could no less be the hand of God.

It starts by becoming aware.  Then one day like the wind forming a face with the dusts that floats with it you just might see a familiar face your heart knows you’ve been seeking…

I’ve been trying to sleep since 2:00am and it’s now 4:21am and for some strange reason I felt I had to write this one down.

My father had another stroke about the middle of January, about the same time I was told I was loosing my contract with my current project.  My father was confined and I was looking after him during the worst time of this whole thing.  At some point it was getting out of control and nobody could tell what was happening, complications here and there and a swelling brain. He was telling me he’s giving up already.

I thought I should pray for him, but what exactly do I say.  So I asked God how exactly does one perform a miracle.  What does it take to be a healer.  I was desperate for an answer and I was given a profound question I couldn’t understand then — "Would you be willing to give your life and the lives of your family for one dying old man?".  At that point, all I can say was "it’s not practical".  Jesus gave his life for many, not one.  I just gave up on the thought.  One day, my father was having hiccups and I thought that’s not good for his condition and there I heard in my head something that was clearly an instruction.  I pressed on his closed eyes (knowing this should take care of the hiccups), then I prayed as if I knew what to say.  So I prayed silently and the hiccups went away.  Then I was told again in my head, my father was healed.  And he was…

Then I understood what miracles are made of.  It’s not possessed as we wished it were.  It’s not something you have that you can wave around and use as you please.  It’s not us.  A miracle, is the display of God’s power through an exact synergy of time and motion with man.  This is clearly seen in the life of Moses, he does exactly as he is told and when he does — at the very moment God’s hand meets with his, a miracle is displayed in great spectacle.  I choose to believe that the Red Sea will have parted with or without Moses being there. It could have been me or somebody else who knew what God was about to do at that precise moment, someone who heard what to do and chose to obey at exactly the right moment.  That is synergy… that is miracle as I know it.

I used to ask  if Jesus had the power to heal, then why wasn’t every single deaf, mute and blind healed throughout Jerusalem or everywhere he went.  I believe now, and this is my understanding, that Jesus then healed who had to be healed at the right moment.  Jesus said, "I do what the Father does" (Jn 5:19 para-phrased) and he simply does.  I thought then that what he meant was that he was "generally" doing what the Father will most likely do in certain situations.  But now I understand it even more clearly, if you actually read the verse it says

"I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only
what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son
also does"

which to me now means that he can only do what the Father is doing at that moment… He does and says what the Father does and says at precisely the right moment…

I have no power in me, nor do you or anybody else… but we have power in the Father if we can see and hear what he does and say and flow in precise synergy with Him. Then only can we say we shared and were part of His glory.

Now the answer to God’s question for me. Will I be willing to die for
one dying old man?  If that is exactly what God is doing at that
moment then I will…

Our decisions in the past good and bad brought us to where we are now in the present.  However, bad judgment, bad decisions, wrong moves do not necessarily bring about a miserable present or future.  The outcome of our decisions do not evaluate our past judgment.

Looking back, I’ve made "bad" decisions after bad decisions on significant choices that makes or breaks a typical life.  I chose to go out with barkada over my studies in High School, I chose to enroll only on subjects I enjoyed in College and eventually dropped out, I chose to live away from my family to join a band, I chose to elope and marry than to finish my studies, I chose to stay and see my first born than to sail on the Floating University, I chose to stay and see my third child than to work in Chicago, I chose to go back and stay in the Philippines than to stay for good in Boston.

These were just some of the pretty bad choices I made but looking at them then and seeing where and what I am today makes me wonder if I would have chosen differently given another chance. 

I wonder what makes me feel better about my life than those who made better choices and yet miserable with their lives. Here are some of my thoughts:

• None of those choices were "bad" — from my perspective, I decided with my own conviction and with all my heart and mind.  The key is "all" ergo no doubt, no second-thoughts.  Bad as they may seem my heart felt otherwise.  Bad moves are those made in bad faith.
• Never said "cooshoo" (chould-have, should-have)– good or bad, when I’ve made my move it’s good all the way. I do what I do because I wanted to and I  had to. I may decide to reciprocate the outcome of my actions but that would be another decision altogether (As I did when I decided to finish college eventually). Sorry doesn’t change anything, move forward.
• Never lost the heart of my decision — I’ve always kept the heart of my decisions in mind.  The "WHY" I decided the way I did.  When the outcome does not come out as expected and I start feeling sorry, I call to mind the "WHY", assess the situation, make another decision and move forward.

All things happen for a reason because "…all things work together for good to those who love God" (rom 8:28).  And they do.  If you believe this verse, you won’t spend too much time feeling sorry for what you have done. Find the heart and reason why you did what you did and move forward. If you believe you made a "booboo" for making a move in what you honestly think is in bad faith, repent and move forward.

The hard thing about truth is that it’s irreversible. It’s like waking up one day realizing you have a dongle (congratulations! you’re a boy) is a truth no one can deny nor change. It’s not for you or everybody else to reject or accept.  It’s just what it is, the truth.

Realizing the truth to one may be a gift or it may be a curse to another.  We can deny all we want to undo what we have learned to try and make things as they were but we’d be fooling ourselves.  It’s like waking up from a wonderful dream and wanting to sleep for the rest of your life hoping you’d stay in the dream.  But like any dream, they just won’t last.  Sooner or later you’d wake up to reality and face the truth.

Truth comes and births itself in ways that are inevitable.  A shock or awe experience that is undeniable.  Often one of few moments when logic agrees with chaos and everything else in between.  It can be shocking enough for some to push them to denial if not insanity for others.  Truth being consistent and aligned with the life and light more often awes one to ecstasy.  Something so awesome, you’d rather just experience it and let it sink inside of you than to even attempt to put some logical explanation to it for others to appreciate.  Sad thing about this is that it requires complete understanding and experience to fully appreciate.  Often, truth is understood and accepted but does not "rema" enough to be absorbed by another person.  It’s really a frustrating experience to try and impart this "liberating" experience.  As for me, I’d rather try to facilitate others to an experience that may lead them to find the truth than spend futile efforts trying to implant an experience that they haven’t had.

This just came to me now and I’d like to write this one for my only partner in life, my wife Ethel…

How do I know I love my wife?
I know because I’ve been going around the Philippines for years alone… alone with nobody watching and in the company of people who insists on taking me out…

I know because I’ve been to the finest strip bar in Boston with Paris Hilton lookalikes dancing naked all over …

I know because I’ve stayed alone in Boston where sex is like pizza delivery…

I know for sure I love my wife because while I was away from her during those times, my mind was stuck home alone with my wife…

Sarap lang talaga mag-isip. Kahit ano pwede.  Parang lahat possible.  Gaya ngayon, sarap mag-plano. Lahat kayang-kaya, parang bukas ayan na yan.  Pumikit ka lang kita mo na lahat ng pwedeng mangyari.  Don pa nga lang minsan ok ka na.  Pero pag nag-iisip ka lang…  ikaw lang kasali. Malungkot pag panaginip lang din kausap mo.  Gusto ko tuloy ikwento lang ng ikwento mga plano ko kahit kanino.  Pero kanino? Sana sa mga taong kikilos, para naman, kahit man lang iba me makinabang sa mga naisip ko.  Kaya lang… syempre me sarili din silang mga naiisip, me sarili din silang plano, me sarili din silang mundo…

Sinubukan ko ng tumahimik, pati utak ko pinigilan ko.  Tuloy naman ikot ng mundo, pero bakit parang di ako gumagalaw.  Parang wala na kong papel dito.  Nakakatawa dahil kung kailan di ako gumagalaw, mas lalo akong napapagod… mahirap kasi pigilin ang utak na gustong maging malaya… pakialmero lang talaga siguro ko.  Lahat gusto ko itama (tingin ko laging ako tama… o me tama lang kaya ako), lahat gusto ko salihan… kahit di na kaya ng katawan ko, kahit wala na ko oras, gusto ko sali ko…

Kaya lang… kahit anong daya gawin ko sa sarili ko, nangangalahati na din buhay ko.  Kaya lahat ng naisip ko, gusto kong sanang may pag-iwanan man lang sa mundo. Magkaroon ba man lang ng bakat dito na makita ng iba na galing dito si Rio.  Me bagay din naman to siguro.  Magkaroon ba sana man lang ng halaga yung minsang pagiging tao ko.

Mga nagawa ko ay yung mga ginawa ko lang at gagawin pa, pero hindi ko masabi kung alin sa mga naisip ko ang talagang magagawa ko pa.  Sa dami ng gusto kong gawin, hindi magkakasya isang buong-buhay para magawa lahat yon.  Kaya sana gusto kong ipamigay yung iba sa mga taong walang magawa sa buhay nila, para kahit sa iba makita kong nag-karoong-saysay ang mga dumaan sa isip ko…

Kung isa ka don at wala ka rin lang gagawin… tulungan mo na lang ako… ako taga-isip pag me nagbunga… hati tayo …

Here’s a quickie before I sleep…

Our convictions are highly influenced by our faith system.  We make our stand based on our firm belief of what is good.  God is good and has always been our pattern of goodness. 

However, as much as we’d want to be anchored with the firm foundation of truth.  Our perception of truth is relative with our confidence over our capacity to understand truth.  As such, many of us rely on religion, teachers and peers whom we feel has a better understanding of the truth or who has authority over the truth of all things.  So we see church members seeking counsel from their leaders from the most trivial of questions to life-changing/threatening decisions they make.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.  I guess the analogy of pastoring has always been the shepherd and the flock of lambs.  But what I fail to connect is how a lamb eventually becomes a shepherd as it should if we were to put this analogy in parallel with reality.

I feel this gap in the analogy has created a great deal of inter-dependence between the pastors and his flock.  I believe that more than caring for the flock, pastors, teachers and leaders has a greater task of multiplying themselves by severing this dependency at some point. 

I feel that the way to raise a church is to train the flock to think independently and to build every member’s confidence in their conviction, confidence in their understanding of truth, confidence in their gifts.  After all, a conviction is rooted in the image of God that the church has planted in the hearts of its members.  Being so, I believe that each person, guided by his convictions is honored by God and will make a good or even a better shepherd someday…

I hope you get my point… I’ll try to clarify more if I get another shot at this topic. Meantime, It’s way past my bedtime… goodnight and hope to see you again soon.

In High School, I shocked my English teacher and classmates with an impromptu narrative of what I believe then was the scientific definition love.  What makes one person fall for another. I had fun explaining the logic behind love. I never realized though that it would start in me this life long quest of trying to understand what true love is in the hope of being able to share the secrets of true love to those who seek it.

In this constant thought and pattern-searching within my own experience and observations, I’ll have to dispel the notion that Love is a two-party affair, a two-way traffic, a mutual relationship.  I thought it was as many probably think it is.  It’s the very reason why many relationships fail.  They fail expectations because of mis-expectations.

"Love" and "Like" refers to the same emotion at different levels.  To understand "Love", let’s start with understanding "Like".  You "like" people, objects, subjects, thoughts.  When you "like" something, it’s because there’s something in that "thing" that appeals to you.  Something that makes you "like" it.  However, it grows to a point when you go beyond "liking" an object and start "loving" "the" object.  No longer looking at what it was that made you "like" it in the first place.  A teddy-bear for instance catches a child’s attention because of it’s fluffiness and color.  The child asks for it and sleeps with it for years.  It comes to a point when he won’t sleep without it.  And even gets to a point when it’s no longer fluffy and it’s colors faded but he’d still want to sleep with it.  If you try to replace this teddy-bear with a new and even better one, you’ll have to first break his heart and wait for time till he grows fond of the new teddy-bear.

Now, who’d say that wasn’t love.  And who’d say the child expected any love from the teddy-bear.  Parents may not agree but the love of a child is pure and undemanding. Yes, it is undemanding (you’ll just need to understand).   This is true love.

We love a person initially because of a certain attraction.  But we eventually grow a relationship that bonds us together.  A relationship that we start to value more than the character attributes and qualities of the persona. We start loving the essence, the spirit of the person and that makes love "blind".  We see beyond the persona and love the being.  How does it happen?  It grows between you and your beloved through time like the teddy-bear.

What breaks love is our desire to be loved –  when we begin to expect reciprocation.  We break our own hearts contrary to what many believe.  It is our choice, our actions, our expectations that breaks our heart and not our beloved.  The pain blinds us from the truth and leaves us hurting.  Sounds unfair? tell that to Jesus…

Relationships that fail are all based on wrong-expectations and love of the persona, the characters, the attributes.  Why do I love you? Because I like your eyes, your hair, your shape, your sense of humor.  We’re flattered by these answers and hurt when none is given.  On the contrary, it should be the other-way around.  These things change, your eyes, your hair, your shape, your sense of humor… they all change in time.  When love becomes a function of character, it becomes as mortal as the character.  What happens when  these attributes are no longer present?  Does that give you reason to fall-out of love? Well, when you loved the character, love dies with the character.  "I love you because you’re honest.  So when you lie to me, forget I ever loved you".  "I loved you, because you were faithful"…  Love dies with the persona.  You loved what you thought  pleases you…

True love is never fair.  It tolerates, withstands,  overcomes and embraces faults and imperfections without condition or expectation… Trust Love.  The bible says "God is Love" so it follows that the Love you build is not just an emotion or a relationship.  It is God moving between you and your beloved.  Trust Love as you would trust God.  Expect not from your beloved but from your God who will make things beautiful in His perfect time…

These things I write, I write from my heart.  They could very well be just me thinking aloud.  Nonetheless, there’s a Christ in me that will not let His name be blemished by my fallacies. And it is Him that I will trust more than the people who may think otherwise of what I say and maybe even believe.

I cannot talk of things I don’t know of nor of things I can not subscribe to.  My words are as they are — thoughts from my heart trying to bounce itself off a wall in the absence of ears who will hear.  I wish I can write of things pleasant, comforting and popular to you all.  But the well from where I draw my thoughts reveal none of what you want (neither what I wish I want) but of my heart.  As all of us come from different pasts, understand that my heart is just as peculiar as yours.

I tried to change what I believe to conform with the world I live in.  I tried to align my thoughts with everyone else to gain acceptance.  I lost my self in the process so I promised myself nothing else will define me but the God who lives in me.  I sometimes ask myself "What if this God in me is not the Jesus that you know."  Who will I be, what will I believe, where will I be?  Will my thoughts be any different from what they are now?  Will my mind refuse to be free for the sake of conformity.

Apart from what I believe, I will not be myself.  Apart from the God whom I know, I know nothing…  I’d rather be wrong with faith I’m willing to die for, than be wrong with faith I don’t even own…

Build me Lord and feed me with your grace.  Fill me with thoughts that your people can understand and call them to me to hear what you have to say through this heart you now own…

There was this person who posted her dream in my dreamerslog site about a very dear friend who died and appears in her dreams as if actually talking to her and telling her something.  Now I personally do not believe in ghosts and I tried to explain to her what I think was going on.

I was thinking aloud while trying to explain to myself how our minds can possibly conceive vivid dreams with accurate detail of people close to us as if they were actually talking to us.  I realized that in time we accumulate images, sounds, behaviors, thoughts and every detail we perceive of people around us specially those who are close to us.  We unknowingly create a complete and detailed "replica" (if I may call it that) of people we love inside us, not just in our heads but also in our hearts.  To some point, we immortalize them inside of us so much that  we can actually interact and converse with them because we know exactly how they would react to our actions, how they think, what they would say.  We know them so much, they live inside of us.  When I was young, I thought I’d create a software that I can program to behave and think like I do hoping I would live forever at least for the people I love.  A being I can leave behind after I’m gone.  A being that is not exactly "me", but who is "me".

Then a familiar thought came to mind.  Jesus said he’d leave behind the Holy Spirit to comfort us and to guide us.  The Holy Ghost…  Now I’m not suggesting the Holy Ghost is an imaginary figure in our minds.  I’m saying The Holy Ghost can only be as real to you as Jesus is real to you.  If you follow my thought, the Holy Spirit will manifest himself from within you only if Jesus "lives" in you.  Jesus will remain alive in you only if you know him well enough…

These are thoughts, proposals, ideas that goes through my heads of which I cannot claim to be infallible. It helps me build my faith by putting substance to what I believe.  I hope it does the same to you and not confuse you more if you already are.  I’m open for comments and questions so we can explore the idea without raising controversies or debates.